Why Don't I Feel Like Myself After Becoming a Mum?

Many mothers I work with in online therapy say some version of the same thing: "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like myself anymore." They often assume something has gone wrong. That they're failing. That they should be coping better by now. But what if what you're experiencing isn't failure at all? What if it's a normal response to one of the biggest transitions a human being can go through? When we think about becoming a mother, we often focus on the practical changes – the sleepless nights, the feeding, the nappies, the endless mental load. But motherhood doesn't just change your daily routine. It changes you. The transition into motherhood is known as matrescence – the physical, psychological, social and emotional process of becoming a mother. Just as adolescence describes the transition from child to adult, matrescence describes the transition from woman to mother. And like adolescence, it can feel confusing, overwhelming and disorientating. Research tells us that pregnancy and early motherhood are associated with changes in the maternal brain. These changes help mothers become more attuned to their babies and better able to respond to their needs. Many women notice differences in their memory, concentration, emotional sensitivity, priorities and relationships, yet these changes are rarely discussed openly. Instead, many mothers find themselves wondering why they feel different, disconnected or unlike the person they used to be. Of course, motherhood isn't only happening in your brain. Psychologically, you may be navigating questions such as: Who am I now? What matters to me? What parts of my old self do I miss? Can I be both a mother and myself? At the same time, there are social pressures everywhere – messages about what a "good mother" should do, expectations around work, relationships, housework and parenting, pressure to be grateful, pressure to enjoy every moment and pressure to bounce back. It's a lot for one person to carry. One of the saddest things I see is mothers believing that their struggles are personal failures. They tell themselves they should be more organised, more patient, more resilient and more grateful. Rarely do they stop and consider that they may be moving through a profound developmental transition that deserves understanding, support and compassion. Many mothers tell me they feel as though they've lost themselves. What if you haven't lost yourself at all? What if you are in the process of becoming? Matrescence is not about returning to the person you were before children. It's about integrating who you were with who you are becoming. That process can feel messy. It can involve grief, uncertainty and change, but it can also lead to growth, self-awareness and a deeper understanding of yourself. Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?" perhaps the question becomes, "What is happening to me?" Because when we understand matrescence, many experiences that once felt frightening or shameful start to make sense. And when things make sense, we can meet ourselves with a little more compassion, a little more patience and a lot less self-blame. If you're struggling with the transition to motherhood and would like support, therapy can provide a space to explore your experience, make sense of what you're going through and reconnect with yourself during this important stage of life.